Here it is, my rant against biology:
Being a mum to babies makes you suddenly remember that you are, above all, an animal with instincts. All these years pretending that humans are soooo different to animals and believing it yet, motherhood hits you in the bum and it makes you feel a slave to your instincts. I’m assuming that it’ll get tamed as I get used to it over time but this first year has made me a slave to biology.
Biology sucks because my blood pressure will go through the roof when I hear my baby (or three) cry. It’s particularly bad when I know they cry for hunger. I feel palpitations of my heart on my neck… and what makes it worse is all those around me totally not bothered by it and asking me to “calm down” “it’s ok” etc…
It sucks because I have developed an ultrasonic hearing that can hear my babies move in their cribs (with or without a monitor). I’ll always be the nagging one saying “so and so is crying” to which I get told “I don’t hear it” (with an incredulous look at me as if I was crazy hearing babies everywhere), followed by “will someone get the crying baby” (of course no one goes cause they don’t hear it) all of this ends usually with a screaming baby (seems to be the only time other people hear them)… and cue my blood pressure spike.
This last point brings me to resentmentland where I wish I was like Mr H and be able to sleep through it until they scream. Not his fault… lucky him even!!! I’m just jealous and I get angry at biology because even when Mr. H tries to give me the night off so I can rest more than a few hours in a row, I STILL WAKE UP to their noises. What’s worse is that I’m convinced that if I went away for a night, I’d still be awake thinking about them crying… it’s ABSURD and hopeless. I just need to accept it but man it sucks donkey’s bum.
I also feel a need to be with them even when I’m fed up of being with them (because, nevermind those pretending they love to be with their babies 24/7, there’s always a moment when it’s exhausting to be with them). I can’t wait to pick them up from creche even if ten minutes later they’re screaming their heads off because it’s the end of the day and they want to eat and sleep. That’s even worse when they’re ill. It’s all a bit schizophrenic.
Babies also need MOMMY often. Not daddy, not grandad, not uncle… no…. MOMMY. Which is both really cute and flattering but Oh My God when it’s times three it’s impossible to handle. We are blessed to have my dad and brother coming every night to help putting them to sleep. I bath them, then hand a baby each who they feed and put to sleep. Great plan, right? except when they want MOMMY to rock them to sleep for whatever reason that day… I have to hide in my own home so they don’t get a glimpse of me when they’re being put to bed by them cause otherwise they’ll start asking for MOMMY. It’s a bit like being a ninja, sliding away within shadows so I remain unseen by babies lol Thankfully, even tho they want MOMMY, most often than not DADDY will also do for them.
Finally it sucks to realise that as much as I’m a firm believer in gender equality, I’ve come to realise that as much as we might want to give and have equal rights under the human law, enjoying our equal rights will still be harder for women because of biological realities.
All I can say to those telling me that it’s a lot harder when they grow up is “I can’t wait”. Right now it’s physically very hard on me. Sleep deprivation is pure torture some days. I used to be a somehow intelligent professional. Now I live for gagagas and dadadas…. I understand the challenges in the future will be many and more complex but I’m a firm believer that with enough sleep, we will be able to deal with them with love and care and thoughtfulness. At the moment it’s really hard to think straight for more than 5 minutes. I’m wondering how in the world we are managing 🙂